Donald Trump’s ‘locker room banter’ may be despicable, but is it accurate?

Donald Trump told Billy Bush a weird story about some girl he took furniture shopping. Then an attractive woman passed by and and the quotes turned ugly. While the presidential candidate’s words were definitely divisive, let’s investigate whether or not they were accurate.

I want to make something clear: this post is not meant to be a political statement. I am not making any efforts to tell you who you should vote for because, quite frankly, I couldn’t care less. I’ve never been invested in the world of politics, and this year isn’t going to change that.

Do not read this as me calling Donald Trump a terrible person. Granted, the bad things I have done are mild compared to his misdeeds, but it’s not like I can stand on a pedestal and point down at him. Trump’s recording of a conversation with Billy Bush was a harsh reminder that Trump is human in a world where we expect our presidents to think and behave like demi-gods.

Which also shouldn’t be read as me excusing Trump, because let’s be real: that’s some pretty bizarre shit Trump said to Bush. Not surprising shit, mind you, but still bizarre.

When you found out about this, did you think to yourself, OMG, how could Donald Trump say such a thing? No, no you didn’t, because we would’ve been more stunned if something like this weren’t revealed at all.

There’s something about knowing Trump actually talks to other men about women like this that’s equally hilarious, disgusting, and dumbfounding. It actually dawns on you: a grown ass man said these words to another grown ass man and didn’t think anything of it. That’s amazing.

The actual words aren’t important to me. We all know of someone (or, we are the someone) that talks about the opposite sex in a hyper-sexualized way. I sure as hell would never assume Trump is above that.

Here’s what’s important: determining if his statements are accurate. We all understand Trump may not be a particularly good man, but he can at least be an honest one. How much of this is Trump keeping things 100 and how much is BS?

donald trump
Donald Trump certainly isn’t a perfect man in regards to his “locker room banter.” But at the very least, can we say that Trump is an honest man?

“I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it.”

Accurate? Yes. Trump just admitted something few men ever admit. We usually come up with some terrible excuse for why our aggressive pursuit of a woman didn’t pan out. Typically, it involves us not being as interested as we originally let on.

A buddy of mine tried to put the moves on a server during $5.95 Burger Mondays, a detail which isn’t important but bruh, you get a burger and a side for just $5.95! The server was not impressed, probably because a lot of dudes approach her in similar, empty fashion. The moment we both realized it, his energy pretty much flatlined.

Upon tempering his efforts, he said the server reminded him of his ex, so he was hesitant about flirting with her. He showed me a picture of the ex. The server looked nothing like the ex. I turned my attention back to the Falcons game and acted like that moment didn’t happen.

“I did try and fuck her.”

Accurate? Yes. I’m pretty sure Trump was interested in fucking.

“She was married.”

Accurate? Yes. I’m also pretty sure she was married and Trump didn’t give two shits about it.

“And I moved on her very heavily.”

Accurate? Yes. The guy readily admitted he was hoping to fuck her, which is pretty much the definition of moving on someone very heavily. Plus, efforts to move on a women typically fail when you’re going in too hot.

“In fact, I took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some furniture. I said, ‘I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture.'”

Accurate? Hahaha, probably, yes. That’s not the kind of thing you would make up when talking with your boys. That’s such a weird tidbit that lying about it would be unnecessary.

It says a lot about the type of women Trump sets his eyes on. Wanting a man to take you furniture shopping feels like a halfway sophisticated request. A mid-tier stripper may ask for something like that. That’s like steps away from asking for a co-signer on an economy sedan.

It also says a lot that Trump readily knows of a great place to get furniture, nice furniture at that. I always tell people to go to Furniture Way Less in the Marietta flea market. I’m a staunch believer in frugal living and sectionals that feel like you’re sitting on a smooth rock.

“I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there.”

Accurate? No clue. I have no idea what moving like a “bitch” looks like. I honestly don’t know what Trump was referring to on that one.

“And she was married.”

Accurate? Yes, dude, we get it.

“Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look.”

Accurate? Inconclusive. We’ll just have to take him at his word (dangerous proposition, I know). We don’t know if her tits had become big and phony. For all we know, she could’ve gone to wikiHow and figured out that eating foods containing phytoestrogen is one of many steps towards bigger breasts.

The real issue is I’m not sure what this has to do with the story. Is he asserting that she is a fake person, or that some other Sugar Daddy swooped her up before Trump could? But we don’t need to look into that right now because Arianne Zucker has entered the picture …

“I’ve got to use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her.”

Accurate? Yes. You always need to be prepared for kissing, even if there is a zero probability of kissing happening. Tic Tacs do help in that regard.

“You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them.”

Accurate? Yes, but this just took a weird turn. Every man is attracted to beautiful women. Why Trump is pretending this trait makes him special is beyond my understanding. But I’m lost on the “start kissing them” part …

“It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait.”

Accurate? I certainly hope not, that’s pretty rapey. Let’s assume this truly is “locker room banter” between guys (which it isn’t, but we’ll get to that later). If I said what Trump did to five of my male friends, six of them would be creeped out. The extra person wouldn’t even be a friend, just an unrelated bystander with a grimace.

If we are to believe this, a woman walks into Trump’s general 10 feet radius, and Trump lunges at her like a spider monkey with his lips puckered out. Picture that scene for a moment. I bet he kisses with his eyes open.

“And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.”

Accurate? Yes. Stars tend to get physical allowances that us normal men can’t.

“Grab them by the p—y. You can do anything.”

Accurate? No. I was at a strip club, and a guy in the VIP room straight reached for a dancer’s vagina, open palm. One scream and a slap later, and that dude was tossed out the front door like Jazz from Fresh Prince. The breeze from the toss was so powerful that his right shoe flew off and two candles went out.

Which is to say this: if a strip club doesn’t let you do that, real life won’t let you do that either. Who are these skankapotamuses (skankapotami?) allowing this? What the fuck is Trump talking about?

“This was locker room banter, a private conversation that took place many years ago.”

Accurate? Yes, but Trump’s idea of “locker room banter” is very different than mine or most men that I know.

Discussing women in terms of attraction is so common between my friends and I that the times in which we do it barely registers in my head. We talk about the type of girls we are attracted to, our adventures (and misadventures) in trying to hook up with females, our previous dates, how a girl is so fine we lose our minds, or how that girl’s breasts are damn-near about to pop out the top of her turtleneck.

There is locker room banter happening at every bar, dining table, meetup, get-together over a Hawks game, etc. But when that banter turns into creepy dialogue about the odd urges attractive women spark in you, then that’s banter most dudes don’t want to be a part of. We’re too terrified by you to continue.

If this is the kind of banter that goes on in Trump’s locker rooms, I can only thank God that’s not a locker room I will ever be esteemed enough to be a part of. That’s a locker room with some pretty strange dudes. You don’t want to change shirts around a guy like that.

“Bill Clinton has said far worse to me on the golf course — not even close.”

Accurate? Hahahahahahaha … there is no reason not to believe this. 1000 times, yes.


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