I don’t know the point in this story, but I’m telling because getting a guy to talk about hot women’s wrestlers in the WWE was the most exciting part of attending WrestleMania Axxess.
I was in line to get an autograph from Jim Ross and Gerald Brisco for reasons I don’t understand. The thing with standing in line for long periods is that at some point you have to make conversation with other fans. Otherwise, you look like a lonely dunce.
The guy next to me decides it’s time to chat and asks the most sure-fire conversation starter at a worldwide wrestling show: where are you from? It never fails, try it sometime.
In the next area over, Dana Brooke is signing autographs. I noticed two things. One, she is beautiful in person. I’m not saying she isn’t on television. She’s barely on television. Two, wrestling dudes couldn’t help but dude.
The men would lunge at her for a tight hug and sneak an arm around her to get some closeness for a photo. It was a very guy thing to do. I mentioned this to my random line buddy, and naturally, it turned into a “who’s hot in the WWE” conversation.
Talking about girls is a sign that our convo was fizzling out. Whenever a chat between two guys dies down, we always pick it back up by mentioning women. Point out a girl in the environment, open up the Instagram app, bring up porn. We all watch it.
Conversations about hot women start simple enough. In this case, he talked about Alexa Bliss’ “biscuit butt” (she does have a fantastic butt), while I kept things tempered by mentioning how talented the women are.
Conversational balance is also a guy thing. It’s the Joe Rogan quip about a bunch of guys trying to impress the one girl in the office. Surrounding women may base their decision to fuck us on what they overhear, so we don’t want to sound chauvinistic. (Note: The first part of that last sentence is entirely false.)
But at some point, the chat has to escalate. We can only beat around the bush but so long before opting to take a leap of faith and get “real.” He chose to make the jump.
“Which girl in the WWE do you most want to smash?”
Dumb question. The only valid answer is “all of the women.” Don’t be the idiot who picks and chooses through a lineup of dimes as if you have a choice in the first place. Also, do people use smash anymore to describe sex?
For the sake of conversation, I named Sasha Banks, Nia Jax, and Naomi. Always side with women of color. He had a more specific list exclusively composed of white women. I find it funny because he’s black, though I’m not sure what about that is humorous.
After a few minutes, he felt comfortable enough to get gritty about how much he wants to fuck women on the WWE roster. So he said something along the lines of (and I’m paraphrasing), “I might not be putting it down, but I am a professional pussy eater.”
The last six words aren’t paraphrasing. He said this as if I was impressed. It was The 40-Year-Old Virgin poker scene in real life. He revealed so much about himself in that one comment. Men gleefully talking about eating pussy is shorthand for either having bad dick or lacking confidence in their dick game.
That’s the type of thing weirdos say to strippers during lapdances. “I’d love to eat your pussy.” Ewww, brush your teeth and sit down somewhere. All men should give oral and be good at it, but like, that’s all you want to do? There’s so much more to sex, and it’s all fantastic.
There was no follow-up to this. I wasn’t going to pretend like, “yeah man, that’s awesome.” I also wasn’t going to ask why he isn’t as interested in dick-in-vag contact. I just rebooted the conversation and mentioned that Ross is the soundtrack of Attitude Era WWE.
This story may be how men quietly view women’s wrestling. We respect the women in wrestling and their talents. We sincerely look forward to their matches, want them to get more opportunities, and push for them to be as big of stars as the men.
We’re also devoting Twitter pages to Alexa Bliss’ butt. We’re the worst.