I miss only three things about America: my family and friends, bigger apartments, and food. The food in China is wonderful. I’m simple, so I love dàndànmiàn (dandan noodles), non-spicy huǒguō (hot pot), wontons in chili oil (but not too much oil), and barbecue on a stick. But sometimes, on the most random Thursdays, I want a smokehouse combo from IHOP.

I moved to China without knowing what the food would be like. The Food Network makes it seem as though exotic food is the norm overseas. However, you can eat a lot of basic food at restaurants. I moved to China three weeks before the pandemic. I spent that time cooking every day before eventually coming across this small wonton spot about a block from my place. The food was great, but the place eventually closed because places always closed at that time.

As lockdowns lifted, I got more acquainted with Sichuan cuisine. The food is spicy, something I both can’t handle and don’t find tasty. But after learning to say bùlà (not spicy), my options opened. Sichuan food is dope, but as great as it is, six months into my time, I got those cravings. I needed snacks.

And not the snacks at Family Mart or a bakery like Holiland or Bread Talk. Fuck that, I needed American snacks. I needed enough sugar to make my heart stop. My manager hooked me up with a snack dealer who sold me a 12-pack of cinnamon buns. I cannot express how great that shit was when it first hit my mouth. I tried sharing it with my girlfriend and co-workers, and they complained about how sweet it was. They apologized as if I were insulted. I was happy, actually. Being generous with food feels like a staple of Chinese culture, and I had a snack no one wanted.

But it didn’t last long. My dealer just disappeared, and I was left with nothing. That was until my girlfriend got me linked with Taobao, and I could order boxes of US breakfast cereal from Shenzhen. Fucking game-changer! Shout out to Vanilla Groceries and CityShop for being my gateway to maple syrup, Pop-Tarts, Kraft mac and cheese, Fritos, and ACT II butter popcorn. This held me down for about two and a half years until I finally flew to the US to see family and friends.

Taobao has its limits. And while spots in Chengdu are getting more diverse, a decent donut shop off Chunxi Road isn’t the same as a Krispy Kreme. Pizza Corner hits, but I’d prefer Jet’s or Marco’s. Almost any Mexican food is better than Chengdu’s “authentic Mexican cuisine.” Being home just reminded me of all I was missing.

After rocking a Samsung Galaxy S7 for seven years, I finally bought a new phone before traveling back home, which gave me the confidence to have more than five installed apps and actually use my phone for entertainment. I found myself on Instagram more often, and when I returned to China, I spent more time scrolling through content. That’s how I came across pages just for snacks and food.

Instagram pages like snackbetch, mnmtwinz, and cereal_lover_boy do something for me. Did you know Oreo had flavors like waffles and syrup and fruity crisp, which looks like pieces of Fruity Pebbles infused in the cream center of an Oreo? I didn’t know this, and it makes me mad because the only Oreos I can find in Chengdu are the traditional ones or ones with flavors I couldn’t care less about, like banana, strawberry, or peach. Really, peach?! We used to have Golden Oreos, but no one sells them because I’m convinced Chengdu is on a mission to take away anything I like.

I don’t know why I do this. I guess seeing Crumbl cookies, Chick-fil-A chicken sandwiches with pretzel buns, and choosing three American appetizers amongst a grid of nine gives me a weird sense of comfort. It’s like those 90s pages that allow you to reminisce about a time you know is never coming back. It’s just nice to see food and know what’s out there.

I scroll through snacks every day. I never understood people who watch other people eat food. It’s both morbid to watch people stuff themselves and silly to watch food be eaten when one could easily go out and get said food. Yet here I am, looking at still images of food I can’t access because I want cheddar bay biscuits, but Red Lobster will never make its way to Chengdu. So my girlfriend and I are stuck going to seafood restaurants that sell expensive crab that barely have any crab meat inside.

Speaking of, one day, my girlfriend remembered me talking about Waffle House and thought taking me to a mall to have waffles would make me miss home less. One, it didn’t because she didn’t know that a Waffle House waffle isn’t like any other waffle. Two, I appreciate her effort, but I had to balance enjoying what she was trying to do for me and not being so into it that she thought I would always want it.

I think she realizes I don’t want to search for equivalents because equivalents don’t exist. Instead, I want to stare at images of food with a sense of fondness and maybe map out some things to eat when I’m back home this August. Maybe. Definitely. I will definitely try a Little Caesars Crazy Puff and Cinnamon Toast Crunch Waffle cereal.